Reflections on 9/11 twelve years later

I live in the NYC area, I have for most of my life. While many passed away that day, and I have grieved for their families, the casualties of this act were the people on the street who suddenly saw ash and half burnt papers-office memo's falling from the sky, and the thousands upon thousands of rescue workers who toiled without break to help anyone trapped in the debris. Everyone mourns the ones who died. I pray for the living. The people who survived and are wondering 'Why me???? He should have lived instead of me!' I pray for the ones who walked by the rubble every day, for those who were trapped in the dark subway beneath the towers for hours nit knowing what was happening outside, who smelled the ash for weeks afterwards, who looked up and remember that their whole world has changed- for the worse- and wept. I wept! I live an hours train ride from NYC! I wept for my two sons not being able to go to an airport without seeing US Marines posted everywhere. I wept because my country- the land of the free and the home of the brave- had its freedom violated by a mastermind who was definitely, in my mind, not brave. I wept for the changed skyline, for the fear that now entered my heart because it MAY not be safe to go anywhere. I wept. And on days like today, I weep again. I did not lose anyone. But for a while there, our whole country lost an important thing- hope. It came back with every person they pulled out of the rubble alive, with every rescue worker whose face was on a Newspaper, with the great outpouring of people who wee sending clothing to the rescue workers so they could continue their work. It has returned, we as a country are stronger and braver and more dedicated than our foes ever knew. God Bless America!

The crazy driver

So I was on my way home from back-to-school shopping at Staples. I was emotionally unsettled because once again I was upset that these teachers would ask for more books/binder than could feasibly fit into a students back pack! Ugh! So I have to go get gas on the way home because I was left with NOTHING in the tank. So on the way o the grocery store, I slow down, missed the gas stat on entrance on this side but am at a red light. I know I have right on red, but want to make sure I don't get in an accident as I am emotionally not where I should be to drive. The guy in the car behind me starts honking like mad, so I was safe and turned, and didn't speed up because I was signaling to go into the very busy gas station! He beeped more! After a few choice cuss words left mouth, I was so upset I couldn't get gas and went to the grocery store 1/2 block away. After shopping and regaining my equilibrium, I went back and gassed up. But that guy never learned from one of my earliest posts about slowing down. It was after 5pm on a Friday- and you just want to get home. But don't be rude people!!! Thank you for listening to this public service announcement!

My dis-ease.....

Hi everyone! Tonight I was worried. I had seen last week's 'Under the Dome' tv show and I watched a diabetic woman die of heart failure as a complication of her diabetes. It has been bothering me for a while. In the Spring, a close friend's daughter needed eye surgery because of diabetic complications. And she had been to the Dr a couple of months before. It is scary. Plain and simple. And I have to be strong and just keep muscling on and moving forward.
For my wonderfully caring and compassionate husband who has been my rock for 26 years
I am moving forward
For my incredible children who amaze me at every turn
I am moving forward
For my friends, family members, and acquaintances
I am moving forward
For my God- who uses me to touch people's lives
I am moving forward
And for myself
I am trying to move forward
A friend recently said that we need to keep moving.  We need to keep growing, we need to press onward toward the mountaintop (I paraphrase and embellish- so sue me!)
The problem is, this disease can kill me in the blink of an eye.
I have Diabetes. I was hospitalized in January a few days after my diagnosis when there had been absolutely no sign within the 2 years prior or ever before that.  According to my physicians- all 14 of them- holy cow!- it was a very fast developing condition- highly irregular.  Most people think Diabetes is just a dietary issue and if you lose weight it will go away! They are mis informed.
Type 2 Diabetes, which is resistance to the insulin your body makes, can go into remission if you eat right and exercise, but the disease never leaves.
Type 1 Diabetes, where your body does not creat enough insulin, never goes away. You have to inject insulin into your system with every meal. And at night before bed, another injection. You have to diet, exercise, take a handful of precautionary medicines, and still your disease can strike at any time.
The big D can effect very single major system in your body. Every single one. Lungs, heart, kidney, skin, nervous system, eyes, feet- many diabetics have had toes and even legs amputated due to loss of nerve endings working in the feet- a neuropathy of sorts- and getting a cut or scrape that gets infected and is not noticed within an appropriate time frame.
Diabetics are traditionally slow healers. That means my Wolverine-like healing should be fading but it hasn't yet!
Diabetes is my dis-ease: it literally puts me out of a place of ease and into a place of dis-ease. It is a scary place to be. It is a frightening place to be. It is an impossible place to be sometimes.
People say,"That stinks but at least it isn't cancer!" It can be worse than cancer because it strikes every part of the body where cancer tends to be localized until it hits certain lymph nodes or the blood stream. People say,"Well, you can cure it with exercise and diet!" People are uneducated and misled.
I can honestly say that without the support of my family, my friends, and my God, I would be curled up in a little ball of fear, trembling in the corner crying.
Instead, I am moving forward.
I have begun painting, interpreting Dreams and life readings, walking in busy street fairs and telling people encouraging things that I shouldn't know. Despite my illness, God is using me powerfully. He is my courage- on my own I am a wimp! There, I said it. Let me say it again,"I am a wimp without God!" People I know tell me I am so strong and brave. And maybe I look that way, but I don't feel it.
I went to a Diabetic Expo in March and met some incredibly amazing people who are fighting this disease with all that they have. They are not all wining, but we all did have fun!
So there. Now you know my dirty little secret that I have not told anyone since January. I am so frightened. But if I let it beat me down, I will die and I am not done here yet- not by a long shot!
Thank you- everyone who reads this. I thank you for reading this and giving me purpose to keep going. If I can impact just one person, if I can help just one life, then I am here for that reason.
Abundant blessings upon your heads!
Cindy

I am just not a very nice person

Hi everyone! I am in a really bad mood right now. And I figured that since this is my blog page it might be ok to let it out here.
I am just irritates by everything today! It started when I couldn't take a shower before going to the younger child's Dr appointment. And the oldest decided to take FOREVER to get dressed to the point where I told him flat out that if I started the car before he was in it he would owe $2 and if I moved the car before he was out there it would be $2 more. The car was started, he got in it. We were only 8 minutes late for the appointment, and we have 15 minutes before they get irritated. Oldest was crazy at Dr, but not too bad. Youngest seems to have bruised some muscles when riding go-karts this weekend. No biggie.
Get home and they play video games, fine. I do some stuff on FB and minor stuff around the house. It's now 12:30- yell for them to eat lunch. They ignore me and I hear yelling from downstairs- youngest yelling at oldest (always happens that way almost) so I ask them to come up again. No answer. I finally yell at oldest to get up here. He is messing with our cat, Yoda and they keep bumping into me. Grrrr! Then he refuses to eat- he is 16- he is hungry just being irritating. After 45 minutes if irritating Yoda and me, he eats. And the youngest comes up upset because oldest took over the computer page or some such. GRrrrr! Now youngest eats. And goes downstairs. He needs his email account to log into a new game site. It is no longer working according to yahoo! Great- just wonderful- yes I am angry! So I waste around 20 minutes at the computer trying to figure out this system, can't even remember hubby's password for his yahoo email to log him in. I am now YELLING MAD!!!!
Did anyone really do anything? Not really! I  just in an awful mood and wondering why I didn't put oldest into the camp for a few extra weeks- oh yeah $$$. 
And then I remember that I got a letter from the camp saying if we sign up now we get some crazy amount-like $1500-off for next summer.....
And I remember that even on my worst yelling and cursing days, God thinks I am beautiful and He is proud of me anyway. Partially because He knows I will make it through the yelly day and do something great tomorrow.
So I will go shower- -@2:35pm and go to the grocery store and get home and make dinner and be grouchy throughout and have a better day tomorrow.

What a long strange trip it's been....

Hi everyone!
I guess I just realized how long it has been since I have blogged. THAT long, hunh? So I am continuing to adjust to this thing called Diabetes. I take a handful of pills every night, and give myself insulin 4 times a day. I HATE needles and until I became diabetic was awful with blood draws and everything. 8 days in the hospital will certainly cure you of that- it did me!
Anyway, in April I got great news! My 3 month blood sugar was about half of what it originally was!!! I treated myself to some ice cream! And one doctor and I were discussing a possible surgery. And yes, I had a partial hysterectomy. This means they took my uterus. I had massive fibroids.  During my January hospital stay, they discovered a liver issue which prevented me from taking oral contraceptives. The afore mentioned fibroids were being kept at bay by those oral contraceptives. I had 2 choices: have the fibroids removed internally and externally involving a lower abdominal incision, or have the uterus removed- no uterus no fibroids can grow and same incision. Well, the operation was a success- and I have fully healed from it! Yay! The boys and hubby were amazing! Cooked and cleaned, I continue to be impressed! They all totally stepped up when I needed them to.
So, summer camps for my boys are over and we have 4 weeks left before school. Today I had each of them clean out all of the papers and stuff under their beds. One was sliding around like a seal spinning under there while the other was holding his breath because of his dust allergy and the condition of that rug.
And I am in charge of a church garage sale in September. So a bit of stress but I am dealing with it ok.
The very cool part, I had a bunch of healing occur! I was born with one giant kidney instead of 2 kidneys. And before the operation the tests showed 2 normal kidneys!!!! Praise God!!! And my hair, which had started falling out, is growing back!!! And Lipitor lowered my cholesterol so well that I don't have to worry about it! Yay!
So, there is my long strange trip for 2013 so far- hope you enjoyed the ride!!!
Cindy

Who I Am

Hi everyone! Sorry it has been a long time since I posted here. You see, I have been ill, depressed and for a brief stay in the hospital.  I do not want our pity or condolences. I have a new lease on life! I am healthier than I have been in years, losing weight, and generally happier as well.  But that is not what this post was going to be about.
I titled it Who I Am because in Cyberland, no one truly gets to know one another. You only see what I put out. Usually the best moments but not always. So here goes who I am:
I am unique! If nothing else this can always be said about me. Life is perceived  differently by me  than by anyone else in existence. And I will occasionally find people who see part of life similarly and I celebrate being in a group then. For the most part- a group of one is OK because my views and experiences are fundamentally different.
I am a left handed person. Believe it or not, it affects my whole life. From how I set up my kitchen to how doors open to what organized means- left handed people are very creative and not quite like those righty's in our lives. It would be dull without them!
I am an artist! I finally am embracing this fact after many years of not acknowledging it as a gift or calling. I love to create: with words, pencils, paint, clay, plaster, yarn(I crochet a bit.)
I am extremely creative. But I live with a right handed whom I love so my house does not totally reflect it!
I am organizationally lacking skills. Yup- some hoarders just can't find their stuff so they go out and buy another! And another, and another, and then they need help decluttering! That is me to a tee! My house does not resemble hoarders but areas are not walk able. I am getting better by ours hashing less as a rule.
I am a procrastinator.... So last minute is my deal.
I am an animal lover like you have no idea! My kitten is my youngest baby!
I am a wife. Enough said.
I am a domestic engineer. That is a housewife who gets things done- but my way thank you but in my way and on my timeline.
I am a Mom! I have 2 amazing boys! They are my heart and all of my energy goes into creating a place for them to thrive! (aside from my me time- but I can't help them if I am spent either)
I am a daughter and sister and love my family- those who are genetic and those whom have gotten into my heart!
I am diabetic. I am told there is no cure- I will have to watch my food and exercise the rest of my life- but shouldn't we all? 
I am getting thinner! No longer the fat lady in my mind! This is amazing! Maybe I will soon look like I picture myself in my mind's eye!
I am a Jewish-born Christian- again unique perspective is not always easy here. Things don't always make sense, but they usually do.
I am me! And I know that I was created for something very special and I am alive to do it!