Changes revisited

I think I accidentally made it sound as if I have it all figured out... in the post changes but let's be real- I don't.  I never will.  I am just a small fish trying to find the Jesus current so I can float safely in his love.  I no longer want to ride the currents of unbelief that lead to the shores where I get pounded on the coral reefs of judgement, hate and anxiety.  I want the true love current which takes me into the sea with the whales and the dolphins and the orcas and even the sharks- but my current will move me so the sharks and orcas and whales can not get at me.  For Jesus has plans for me- great plans.  I have to listen and do what He says and that means to tend to my home and then have time to do the things that are right in my heart.  And some of these things are silly to others and are not worth my time, but they are totally worth my time and effort.  If the my higher power is letting me know it should be done- well then... I think it's time.  So.. I am not done changing or moving in new directions.  Some of the new directions will be seen shortly and others will take some time to develop...but there are many, many new directions open to me.  There is a new found freedom and deepness in this current.  It is a safe place and the options are all so appealing and filled with light and life!  It is like being a kid in a candy store with a handful of coins- when there were 1/2 cent candies.  I want to try everything and taste and do and decide for me which to throw out and which to buy more of.  And I want to have the freedom to make mistakes and to try and miss a few times.  And I know all of these things are good but I want to try them all until I find the items that God has for me that are my personal best.  Good is not good enough- Best is the only option now!  And if that means finally trying to really write that book that came from a dream, or practicing the drum or making prayer shawls- well then I need to get writing and playing and crocheting shouldn't I?  I feel I have been a Jill-of-all-trades for my whole life- never putting my all into the right things.  I am still searching for my current.. and I WILL FIND IT!
It is an exciting time and a scary time as well.  I am having difficulty with the indecision that accompanies these times.  My house MUST be tended to first and that is a very large chore right now.  But with God's help- I can do it.  Then the sky is the limit.
OK so if you are inclined to pray- your prayers for discernment are totally welcomed and appreciated.  Thanks for looking into my soul and not laughing at me.
Cindy

ok

so I had this amazing thought in my head and it just flew...as I started to type it dissappeared.  So I will write something else.
When you have a child with special needs- people do not understand.  My son walks around school all day... with his sweatshirt hood up over his hair...because it is a place to hide.  Is this what I want him to do? Absolutely not- but is it what he does? Yes.  He is 14 and needs to make the right decisions based on the models her has in his life.  Does he sometimes overheat while doing this? Ewwww-yes!  But I love him- he is my son.  He has taught me that sometimes hiding is the only way we can be ourselves, until we become who we are meant to be more fully.  I know once he grows into his abilities and strengths and weaknesses he will stop hiding.  And yes, I meant grow into his weaknesses as well.  When we can embrace that there are things that we are not very good at- not in denial of things we can do mind you- like I have a really hard time with History and memorizing dates- but give me a string of equations and I am at home :o)  It is freeing to be able to tell my children- "Go ask Daddy.  I am really bad at Ancient Egypt."  I think I am modelling the right thing when I say it as well.  I know a lot but I am never going to know it all.
My other son, walks around smiling all day at school- skipping through the halls on occassion because he is just a truly happy child!  (I have eye witnesses of the skipping) He loves interacting with people, and loves school.  He is also extremely sensitive to criticism- he will hold it in until he gets home and then collapse in a tearful heap in my lap on a tough day.  From him, the most important things I am learning is there is always time for a hug and that I need to forgive myself much more quickly than I did in the past- he learned it from somewhere!
I guess what I wnted to say here is please look closely before you judge.  You just don't know what is going on in their lives.  Better yet, don't judge them at all.  My oldest would rather not speak to you because his anxiety is so high that it can be too scary- he is NOT ignoring you.
well that seems to be all for tonight. :o)

Changes

MY life has changed drastically the last 5 months.  I went from being mostly healthy, but extremely overweight to being a recovering hernia patient who MUST lose weight in order to prevent a new hernia from occurring.
Mind you my operation and recovery were nothing short of miraculous!  The Dr even telling me "You just had major surgery.  You are making this look easy.  That makes me look good.  I like you!" Yes, he made me laugh but I recovered well, thank you, God!
I have begun walking 1 mile as many days as  can- then I got bronchitis- I get this often.  I then took a week to do nothing.  Yes, nothing.  I needed to prioritize my life and all of my activities were distracting me from the main focus of my life- even though many were God centered activities.  I had lots of time to pray and to listen and to slow down (I am still learning from that lesson).  Well, God, family, then me- that is my new order for my life.  And I discovered in the past week that when I put God first, family second, I have more time for me in the long run and I am less stressed!
So- Go ME!!!  I am reclaiming my house from 5 months of sickness and depression and inability to tackle things.  I AM a Competent Woman!
And, I have 2 great kids.  They deserve me to have my stuff together so I have time for them when they get home.  Same goes for my husband who is amazing!

How God sees me!

we cry and we hurt and then we see that God counts us so precious that he takes every tear and he holds it to his Chest and he counts them as precious as the gems we find in the mountains. precious as the jewels from the deep, they are precious as the stars in the heaven, and precious as the sand in the sea shore....and He loves us so deeply and so well that I never want to forget how deeply He cares for me.  But I'll forget and then He will use another opportunity to let me cry and again show me how precious I am that my tears are like gems in a bottle to Him- he gazes at them and smiles because He knows that each tear holds a lesson if we only know where to look.  And that He wants us to know how totally precious we are in His sight.  That He died for just me- only me and that He rejoices every time we talk to Him.  Like a proud Daddy when His child returns from getting an award- he is Sooo happy to see me and soo proud of who I am and who I am becoming.  When He shows me these things my life is easy and my chores seem lighter than they did before because they are not so important- the small things.  and yet- these same small things are what makes Him smile simply because they make me smile.  Like the first time my child stood up by himself- he was oh, so excited it made his Daddy and I laugh with him.  He is even more excited than that to be with us and enjoy our joys together.

Unwell by MATCHBOX 20

Hi everyone!  So for a few days I was trying to get this song out of my head.  I think God may have been trying to tell me something here.   The chorus of this song is "I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell but stay a while maybe then you'll see a different side of me.  I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired, I know right now you don't care, but soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be."
It is a song of transition.  This is the theme of my life right now- my kids are both going to new schools in September, my church especially is at a crossroads and I myself am having questions as to where I am supposed to be regarding work/ stay at home/ helping people etc. 
So please bear with me for a while- I am here just a little unwell, but I'll be showing a different side soon I hope! :o)

Arrow

Ok so today while waiting for my son's tutor to arrive, I was doodling and I drew an arrow.  It started as a very long line and the point was long and skinny...I added feathers to the back and realised it was not that kind of arrow...So once the tutor arrived, I went into the living room, dusted off my art kit, and opened the pencils.  A red pencil practically threw its self at me..it just was that obvious I needed to use it.  And I tried to draw the arrow...it has no tail- it is ramrod straight- it is very long- and it is pointing a narrow way.  Mine is red but yours may be a different color- who knows?  This arrow is our Destiny!  God's purpose for us NEVER changes although often the activities change, our purpose to be here never does.   we occasionally are the arrow itsself when we are acting out our destiny- and sometimes we are just the staff of the arrow- following where God leads us.  What part of the arrow are you at?  I'm never sure what part I'm in...but I know that it is always there and I am always a part of it!

the issue for me is clutter

A friend posted the other day something that boiled down to this :If there were a fire in your house what would you take with you?The responses to this post were varied and someone wrote all the living things in her house- family then critters- which I thought was probably the most realistic answer I could ever think of.  I would of course get my family out- then the kitten- Yoda is part of the family too.  Then my drum, my bag with my pencils and pad and my favorite bible, a crochet bag with yarn and a hook, and if there was time and a friend to help- the pictures.
But the post got me to really thinking.  What really needs taking?  What do we really need?  As a Mom of 2 healthy boys and a wife in USA I know we are way too materialistic.  We don't buy toys often for the boys.  But are the recipients of generous hand-me-downs.  Yet they still have a toy room full of stuff!
So, I was thinking about what I can get rid of that is mine.  And the first thing that jumped into my mind to keep is a blanket.  I have been making blankets for over 17 years now and I have made blankets for family members and friends alike.  The boys each have 2 and their Dad has the first blanket I ever made that was custom fit to him.  These blankets are duplicate able.  But I have a blanket in my living room that I made just for me and it is not duplicate able.  It is made from a yarn that was discontinued years ago and I am unable to find any more.  It is a hunter green blanket with flecks of color throughout.  Red Heart made this yarn named Hunter Fleck in their super saver skeins.  It is known affectionately by my kids as the sickie blanket.  When they are sick and in the living room I cover them with the sickie blanket.  They know it is a special blanket because I made it and won't let them steal it to their rooms. :o)
I know I have a few objects around my house that are like this, but I am in the middle of a world class purge these days.  Get rid of the things we do not use or want!  My little house should be plenty big enough for a family of 4 with growing kids.  We just have too much stuff.  So today I am going through my hubby's closet and getting rid of the items that no longer fit him and washing those that do- they have been hanging there for a while and could probably use some freshening up!  And I am going through my clothing (which I do twice a year anyway) and anything I did not wear last year gets pitched!  I do have a Rubbermaid tote for clothing I will lose weight to fit into- but I only have 1 and will not create another bin for it!  And the boys will this weekend go through their summer t-shirts so that we can donate the surplus.
And yes, I believe in recycling everything I am able to- clothing goes to Big Brother Big Sister, games to hospitals, books to pre-schools or Doctor's offices. 
So my question to you is- What is in your house that you need to get rid of?  This clutter can make us ill- literally.

The Chipped Plate

Ok, so the other day I found my oldest son looking very closely at the rims of the plates when he was setting the table. 
"Are you looking for the chip?"
"Yes, I know how you like that one- I was going to give it to you!" with a big smile- he was thinking of his Mom!
"WHAT??!!" I yelled then after peals of laughter...I was able to speak again,"Honey, I don't like the chipped plate.  I set the table as an act of serving you and your brother and Daddy.  It is an act of humility- humbling yourself.  When as a host or hostess you put other's needs first.  Kind of like when your Grandmother serves you kids first then Grandpa, then Daddy etc and she serves herself last.  So when you set the table- you should take the chipped plate if it comes up."  Chuckle "Thanks for thinking of me though!"
Well, the kid got it- the next day he set the chipped plate at his place.  I am so proud of this boy- he is growing up to be a gentleman. :o)

no school but that's ok!

Hi all!  Looks like college is on hold for like 11 years or so :o)  My kids must come first and the resources are not what they would need to be to get there right now.  I'm very ok with this and wanted to update you all.

funny things they say :o)

Ok please understand that my neighbor was laughing with me the other day about the funny things my kids say- they really say funny stuff!
While driving to Grandma's house....
"Mom can you turn the heat down? I'm boiling back here!"
"Oh you're too warm you should have told me earlier." as I turn the heat off- mind you it is below freezing out this day and this child is ALWAYS cold!
"Mom, the insides of my eyes are boiling!"
"Yeah" piped in his little brother,"the inside of my eyes are just turning liquid too!"

Yes, please go ahead and laugh! My kids are very descriptive of their discomfort- especially my child with the delays. They say and do things that makes all the stress of the world- family, school, money, life-all worth it! They crack me up regularly!

I'm going back to school....I think?

Yes, folks you heard it! I am currently filling out the application to go for my Master's in Social Work at Stony Brook University. My kids will be in Middle and High School next year and I'm going to have the time to take classes! (Yippee!)
I am both excited and frightened about this whole process. I want very badly to be a counselor in a battered women's shelter or a halfway house for Girls. It is where I can help people and that is really very important to me. I feel the need to be useful- when over a friend's house- I like helping in the kitchen, or keeping company while they prepare stuff. It is just a part of my mental make-up. So the idea was there for a while and recently the Mr and I talked about it and I'm applying! I will most likely have to work part time during school- but I'll manage it!
The frightening part is the interview at the college...What if they reject me? What if I have not done enough? Anyway- the fear of rejection is strong..but I am really hoping to get into the college of my choice.
So there is the news for now- hope all is well with you all!
Love,
Cindy