reflections on seeing a little child play...

Look at her, so sweet and innocent
so adorable in her unconscious ways.
I had children like that,
so beautiful, handsome, sweet
and they still are...but
the teenage years are taking their innocence from them
their childish cuteness being slowly replaced by adult handsomeness,
their sweetness often replaced by teen aged angst,
but they are still there, my sweet children
underneath the obnoxious ways and teenage attitudes,
and when they emerge from the age of the teen, they will still be in there,
my sweet thoughtful boys who were so innocent then.
They will have more wisdom,
their innocence not as pure,
but their golden hearts of love will shine through.
I am waiting to welcome them back from this journey, my sweet babies, as grown men.

A New Year- a prayer for Michael

ok.. I just felt like writing, not about New Year's Resolutions- they never work for me.  Maybe about the kids...

Well, when Michael was going to be going to High School, I thought," Uh,oh! Better warn the High School- I hope they can handle this kid!"
I was assured that he was not the first nor the last with his issues to come through these doors...no problems, Mrs. Campbell, we will help him to excell.
Now almost 1/2 way through the school year, they are finally getting a grasp of who Michael truly is and why I was so nervous in the Spring.  It took 4 months for them to even scratch the surface of who my son is! :o(
It drives me nuts when people in the school do not fully listen to the parent in their assessment of a child.  And yes, he is still a child.  He has the body of a man- he is 5ft 5 1/2 inches and still growing- but he is a child.  He is only 14- ok almost 15.  I can't wait until he is fully a man and can accept responsibility for his actions or lack thereof... but he is not there yet.  Real life is not always easy and I'm afraid for him.  In 4 years he will either be in college, trade school, or working.  I pray he will learn social skills and responsibility in the next 3 years- enough to make it in this world.  To have friends and still get his work done.  To make those decisions which will help him to grow up- because we all know that we grew up more in those years between High School and age like 25 or so! (At least I did!)   
So- I guess this is my prayer for Michael- with his autistic issues and his amazing smile and heart!  His joy for anything funny and his interests in forensics, animals escpecially Yoda, and science!  He loves to laugh.. if people would only break through his anxiety they would see that.  And he has a heart of gold.  That God would bless him and help him... all of his days.
Amen

Changes revisited

I think I accidentally made it sound as if I have it all figured out... in the post changes but let's be real- I don't.  I never will.  I am just a small fish trying to find the Jesus current so I can float safely in his love.  I no longer want to ride the currents of unbelief that lead to the shores where I get pounded on the coral reefs of judgement, hate and anxiety.  I want the true love current which takes me into the sea with the whales and the dolphins and the orcas and even the sharks- but my current will move me so the sharks and orcas and whales can not get at me.  For Jesus has plans for me- great plans.  I have to listen and do what He says and that means to tend to my home and then have time to do the things that are right in my heart.  And some of these things are silly to others and are not worth my time, but they are totally worth my time and effort.  If the my higher power is letting me know it should be done- well then... I think it's time.  So.. I am not done changing or moving in new directions.  Some of the new directions will be seen shortly and others will take some time to develop...but there are many, many new directions open to me.  There is a new found freedom and deepness in this current.  It is a safe place and the options are all so appealing and filled with light and life!  It is like being a kid in a candy store with a handful of coins- when there were 1/2 cent candies.  I want to try everything and taste and do and decide for me which to throw out and which to buy more of.  And I want to have the freedom to make mistakes and to try and miss a few times.  And I know all of these things are good but I want to try them all until I find the items that God has for me that are my personal best.  Good is not good enough- Best is the only option now!  And if that means finally trying to really write that book that came from a dream, or practicing the drum or making prayer shawls- well then I need to get writing and playing and crocheting shouldn't I?  I feel I have been a Jill-of-all-trades for my whole life- never putting my all into the right things.  I am still searching for my current.. and I WILL FIND IT!
It is an exciting time and a scary time as well.  I am having difficulty with the indecision that accompanies these times.  My house MUST be tended to first and that is a very large chore right now.  But with God's help- I can do it.  Then the sky is the limit.
OK so if you are inclined to pray- your prayers for discernment are totally welcomed and appreciated.  Thanks for looking into my soul and not laughing at me.
Cindy

ok

so I had this amazing thought in my head and it just flew...as I started to type it dissappeared.  So I will write something else.
When you have a child with special needs- people do not understand.  My son walks around school all day... with his sweatshirt hood up over his hair...because it is a place to hide.  Is this what I want him to do? Absolutely not- but is it what he does? Yes.  He is 14 and needs to make the right decisions based on the models her has in his life.  Does he sometimes overheat while doing this? Ewwww-yes!  But I love him- he is my son.  He has taught me that sometimes hiding is the only way we can be ourselves, until we become who we are meant to be more fully.  I know once he grows into his abilities and strengths and weaknesses he will stop hiding.  And yes, I meant grow into his weaknesses as well.  When we can embrace that there are things that we are not very good at- not in denial of things we can do mind you- like I have a really hard time with History and memorizing dates- but give me a string of equations and I am at home :o)  It is freeing to be able to tell my children- "Go ask Daddy.  I am really bad at Ancient Egypt."  I think I am modelling the right thing when I say it as well.  I know a lot but I am never going to know it all.
My other son, walks around smiling all day at school- skipping through the halls on occassion because he is just a truly happy child!  (I have eye witnesses of the skipping) He loves interacting with people, and loves school.  He is also extremely sensitive to criticism- he will hold it in until he gets home and then collapse in a tearful heap in my lap on a tough day.  From him, the most important things I am learning is there is always time for a hug and that I need to forgive myself much more quickly than I did in the past- he learned it from somewhere!
I guess what I wnted to say here is please look closely before you judge.  You just don't know what is going on in their lives.  Better yet, don't judge them at all.  My oldest would rather not speak to you because his anxiety is so high that it can be too scary- he is NOT ignoring you.
well that seems to be all for tonight. :o)

Changes

MY life has changed drastically the last 5 months.  I went from being mostly healthy, but extremely overweight to being a recovering hernia patient who MUST lose weight in order to prevent a new hernia from occurring.
Mind you my operation and recovery were nothing short of miraculous!  The Dr even telling me "You just had major surgery.  You are making this look easy.  That makes me look good.  I like you!" Yes, he made me laugh but I recovered well, thank you, God!
I have begun walking 1 mile as many days as  can- then I got bronchitis- I get this often.  I then took a week to do nothing.  Yes, nothing.  I needed to prioritize my life and all of my activities were distracting me from the main focus of my life- even though many were God centered activities.  I had lots of time to pray and to listen and to slow down (I am still learning from that lesson).  Well, God, family, then me- that is my new order for my life.  And I discovered in the past week that when I put God first, family second, I have more time for me in the long run and I am less stressed!
So- Go ME!!!  I am reclaiming my house from 5 months of sickness and depression and inability to tackle things.  I AM a Competent Woman!
And, I have 2 great kids.  They deserve me to have my stuff together so I have time for them when they get home.  Same goes for my husband who is amazing!

How God sees me!

we cry and we hurt and then we see that God counts us so precious that he takes every tear and he holds it to his Chest and he counts them as precious as the gems we find in the mountains. precious as the jewels from the deep, they are precious as the stars in the heaven, and precious as the sand in the sea shore....and He loves us so deeply and so well that I never want to forget how deeply He cares for me.  But I'll forget and then He will use another opportunity to let me cry and again show me how precious I am that my tears are like gems in a bottle to Him- he gazes at them and smiles because He knows that each tear holds a lesson if we only know where to look.  And that He wants us to know how totally precious we are in His sight.  That He died for just me- only me and that He rejoices every time we talk to Him.  Like a proud Daddy when His child returns from getting an award- he is Sooo happy to see me and soo proud of who I am and who I am becoming.  When He shows me these things my life is easy and my chores seem lighter than they did before because they are not so important- the small things.  and yet- these same small things are what makes Him smile simply because they make me smile.  Like the first time my child stood up by himself- he was oh, so excited it made his Daddy and I laugh with him.  He is even more excited than that to be with us and enjoy our joys together.

Unwell by MATCHBOX 20

Hi everyone!  So for a few days I was trying to get this song out of my head.  I think God may have been trying to tell me something here.   The chorus of this song is "I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell but stay a while maybe then you'll see a different side of me.  I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired, I know right now you don't care, but soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be."
It is a song of transition.  This is the theme of my life right now- my kids are both going to new schools in September, my church especially is at a crossroads and I myself am having questions as to where I am supposed to be regarding work/ stay at home/ helping people etc. 
So please bear with me for a while- I am here just a little unwell, but I'll be showing a different side soon I hope! :o)

Arrow

Ok so today while waiting for my son's tutor to arrive, I was doodling and I drew an arrow.  It started as a very long line and the point was long and skinny...I added feathers to the back and realised it was not that kind of arrow...So once the tutor arrived, I went into the living room, dusted off my art kit, and opened the pencils.  A red pencil practically threw its self at me..it just was that obvious I needed to use it.  And I tried to draw the arrow...it has no tail- it is ramrod straight- it is very long- and it is pointing a narrow way.  Mine is red but yours may be a different color- who knows?  This arrow is our Destiny!  God's purpose for us NEVER changes although often the activities change, our purpose to be here never does.   we occasionally are the arrow itsself when we are acting out our destiny- and sometimes we are just the staff of the arrow- following where God leads us.  What part of the arrow are you at?  I'm never sure what part I'm in...but I know that it is always there and I am always a part of it!

the issue for me is clutter

A friend posted the other day something that boiled down to this :If there were a fire in your house what would you take with you?The responses to this post were varied and someone wrote all the living things in her house- family then critters- which I thought was probably the most realistic answer I could ever think of.  I would of course get my family out- then the kitten- Yoda is part of the family too.  Then my drum, my bag with my pencils and pad and my favorite bible, a crochet bag with yarn and a hook, and if there was time and a friend to help- the pictures.
But the post got me to really thinking.  What really needs taking?  What do we really need?  As a Mom of 2 healthy boys and a wife in USA I know we are way too materialistic.  We don't buy toys often for the boys.  But are the recipients of generous hand-me-downs.  Yet they still have a toy room full of stuff!
So, I was thinking about what I can get rid of that is mine.  And the first thing that jumped into my mind to keep is a blanket.  I have been making blankets for over 17 years now and I have made blankets for family members and friends alike.  The boys each have 2 and their Dad has the first blanket I ever made that was custom fit to him.  These blankets are duplicate able.  But I have a blanket in my living room that I made just for me and it is not duplicate able.  It is made from a yarn that was discontinued years ago and I am unable to find any more.  It is a hunter green blanket with flecks of color throughout.  Red Heart made this yarn named Hunter Fleck in their super saver skeins.  It is known affectionately by my kids as the sickie blanket.  When they are sick and in the living room I cover them with the sickie blanket.  They know it is a special blanket because I made it and won't let them steal it to their rooms. :o)
I know I have a few objects around my house that are like this, but I am in the middle of a world class purge these days.  Get rid of the things we do not use or want!  My little house should be plenty big enough for a family of 4 with growing kids.  We just have too much stuff.  So today I am going through my hubby's closet and getting rid of the items that no longer fit him and washing those that do- they have been hanging there for a while and could probably use some freshening up!  And I am going through my clothing (which I do twice a year anyway) and anything I did not wear last year gets pitched!  I do have a Rubbermaid tote for clothing I will lose weight to fit into- but I only have 1 and will not create another bin for it!  And the boys will this weekend go through their summer t-shirts so that we can donate the surplus.
And yes, I believe in recycling everything I am able to- clothing goes to Big Brother Big Sister, games to hospitals, books to pre-schools or Doctor's offices. 
So my question to you is- What is in your house that you need to get rid of?  This clutter can make us ill- literally.

The Chipped Plate

Ok, so the other day I found my oldest son looking very closely at the rims of the plates when he was setting the table. 
"Are you looking for the chip?"
"Yes, I know how you like that one- I was going to give it to you!" with a big smile- he was thinking of his Mom!
"WHAT??!!" I yelled then after peals of laughter...I was able to speak again,"Honey, I don't like the chipped plate.  I set the table as an act of serving you and your brother and Daddy.  It is an act of humility- humbling yourself.  When as a host or hostess you put other's needs first.  Kind of like when your Grandmother serves you kids first then Grandpa, then Daddy etc and she serves herself last.  So when you set the table- you should take the chipped plate if it comes up."  Chuckle "Thanks for thinking of me though!"
Well, the kid got it- the next day he set the chipped plate at his place.  I am so proud of this boy- he is growing up to be a gentleman. :o)

no school but that's ok!

Hi all!  Looks like college is on hold for like 11 years or so :o)  My kids must come first and the resources are not what they would need to be to get there right now.  I'm very ok with this and wanted to update you all.

funny things they say :o)

Ok please understand that my neighbor was laughing with me the other day about the funny things my kids say- they really say funny stuff!
While driving to Grandma's house....
"Mom can you turn the heat down? I'm boiling back here!"
"Oh you're too warm you should have told me earlier." as I turn the heat off- mind you it is below freezing out this day and this child is ALWAYS cold!
"Mom, the insides of my eyes are boiling!"
"Yeah" piped in his little brother,"the inside of my eyes are just turning liquid too!"

Yes, please go ahead and laugh! My kids are very descriptive of their discomfort- especially my child with the delays. They say and do things that makes all the stress of the world- family, school, money, life-all worth it! They crack me up regularly!

I'm going back to school....I think?

Yes, folks you heard it! I am currently filling out the application to go for my Master's in Social Work at Stony Brook University. My kids will be in Middle and High School next year and I'm going to have the time to take classes! (Yippee!)
I am both excited and frightened about this whole process. I want very badly to be a counselor in a battered women's shelter or a halfway house for Girls. It is where I can help people and that is really very important to me. I feel the need to be useful- when over a friend's house- I like helping in the kitchen, or keeping company while they prepare stuff. It is just a part of my mental make-up. So the idea was there for a while and recently the Mr and I talked about it and I'm applying! I will most likely have to work part time during school- but I'll manage it!
The frightening part is the interview at the college...What if they reject me? What if I have not done enough? Anyway- the fear of rejection is strong..but I am really hoping to get into the college of my choice.
So there is the news for now- hope all is well with you all!
Love,
Cindy

special needs

Hi everyone! I may be changing the Blog style soon but you will soon understand why...or I'll make a new blog I'm unsure as of yet.

In November of this year my oldest child was diagnosed with Aspberger's Syndrome accompanied by ADHD. A few days late a different Doctor declared PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) with a touch of ADD. Either way my oldest dear one is definitely on the low end of the Autistic spectrum.
This is what I have thought/feared for many months and years. He is 13 and this is considered a very late diagnosis. But both doctors assured me that we were doing the right type of things- he just needs more social circumstances and better relaxation techniques. For those of you who are left in the dark- the issues that most plague my son are: significant social and emotional delays (this is the Autism part), and extreme disorganization(ADD or ADHD) which cause major amounts of anxiety.
So what is a Mom of a child like this to do??? Aside from pray a lot, be patient. Be patient, and try not to be frustrated. And BE PATIENT and try not to be FRUSTRATED!!!!!
Let's just say I am definitely growing in my understanding of patience, frustration and how much I personally can handle these days! Please understand- he is also incredibly creative and funny- I wouldn't want to take either of these things away and they are linked with the issues so no meds for us right now.
So when you hear of someone whose child has issues- please keep this in mind- many Mom's of children with special needs minimize the hardships of their life. This is partly because this is the only way the child has ever been- partly because they don't want to constantly complain.
God Bless you this Holiday Season!
Cindy

things we need

I have recently learned that there are certain things we need as adult women. Some of the most important of these are: a great bottle of nail polish, the perfect box of hair color, and friends who will tell you the truth especially when you are wrong. These are definitely not in the order of importance. But I have been learning that advice is often very hard to take, but when it comes from someone who cares about you- it is palatable and not very offensive. This is a very new concept to me. I have spent a lifetime fighting the authority figure and attacking those who correct me. It is incredibly freeing.

Dealing with a Mom as a Mom

I have always thought I had a good relationship with my Mom. But recently, I have seen a very manipulative side of her. Where it concerns my children- her grandchildren- she seems to want to be in control of the situation. She has tried to take over my role of caring for my sons where Doctors and services is concerned. I believe it is because she is fearful that they will not get what they need. Unfortunately, this reflects on me that I am not sufficient to provide the perfect care for my children. She has also offered financial advice. The result has been me feeling like she treated me like a 12 year old.
Well, I had a very difficult conversation with her recently where I was very respectful but was also able to let her know how I felt. I'm not saying it was a conversation without tears or yelling on my part- it was difficult. I think I kept saying over and over again, "Mom, I'm not 12, I'm 42. I have gotten really good at asking for help. I promise to ask if I need your help." There was also an issue of her feeling out of the loop with regards to these issues. I again assured her that I do let her know anything anyone official had already told me. I also let her know that I was not going to report to her every time a friend gave me an idea which might help.
I felt great and awful when I got off of the phone with her. Great because I was able to get rid of the feeling that I had to report anything that was happening with the boys to her. Awful because it really went against the people-pleaser in me. But I will get on with my life, and she will get on with hers. I am an amazing Mom to 2 kids who happen to have different needs. I almost wrote "Special Education kids", but they are really kids who have different issues than a lot of others although most of their needs are the same. I take great care of them and my husband and at 42, I can handle most of what is thrown at me with Jesus' help.

Words from a cartoon character

OK- so my youngest son is so upbeat- it is sometimes like I'm living with a cartoon character.
Here are some of the things he had to say recently:
(While waiting for his older brother to meet us at the Middle school) My 9 year old says,"Mom- that girl there- she's hot!"
"She is? Oh, look she's practicing a cheer with her friend."
"Wait they are cheerleaders?"
"Yes."
"Well then they are hot!"
"Why is that?"
"Cheerleaders are hot, Mom!"
"And where did you glean this specific wisdom from?" (as I chuckle quietly)
"I don't know- but they are. Everyone knows that!"

I blame it on too much Disney Channel but it was a very interesting conversation to have had with my 9 year old- that's for sure!

First trip to The Olive Garden Restaurant (a step up from Applebee's) and my youngest was very impressed with the bread sticks, salad, and pizza. Here's what happened:
"Mom, the Chef made this food delicious!"
"You should tell the waitress to let the chef know."(this coming from Dad.)
So the waitress comes by and he had to repeat twice but got his point across. "Please tell the Chef that this food is delicious!"
She agreed to tell him.
Five minutes later- the head chef comes to visit our table.
"I hear you think the pizza is good? My friend (can't remember the chef's name) made it for you. I'll tell him you liked it"
"Thank you it is delicious!"
"Well, make sure you finish it all!"
My son felt very special!

re-united

Hi! Sorry I have been silent for a while again. I guess I am an on- again- off- again writer these days! I recently recieved an e-mail from an unlikely source- a cousin! It was so great to hear from him and it seems all the cousins from that side of the family are trying to communicate better especially since there are new families being formed etc. So, thanks to Face Book, I chatted with a cousin I haven't seen in 18 years! It was so great and I hope to be able to hang with them all soon!
You see, we all are just poor communicators-nothing other than that. We never thought of getting in touch and didn't. I didn't even know where some of them were living! I know there are people who do not like how public some sites are, but I would never have gotten to talk to my cousin if it wasn't for those sites.
So I have a song in my heart for my family I have been missing. It is a great day don't you think?

Giving

I finally get giving, I think. Please understand that I try my best not to be stingy, and give when it is possible, but today changed my perspective on giving.
My youngest comes running down stairs this morning with a dollar bill in his hand and a huge smile on his face.
"What's up?"
He stops. A very serious look covers his face.
"Mom, did you hear about what happened in Haiti?"
"You mean the earthquake? Yeah, many people got hurt and homes were crushed."
He brightens up.
"It's Hats for Haiti Day so I'm bringing in money and I'm wearing a hat in school all day today!"
"You are bringing your money from your allowance?"
"Yup" I can see his proud smile- he knows he is doing something good and worthwhile!
"Wow, that's really generous!"
"Thanks Mom! Can I wear Dad's Mets hat?"
"Sure!"

God wants us to give joyfully- no matter how little we give- and be glad we did it. My son has many dollars he is saving for some important purchase. He gave a dollar to people in need. He is proud that he gave anything. I think that is really my point. Stop judging yourself about how much or little you give...A Joyful gift is more important than how much you give or how often ...
Isn't it?

A surprising quote...

Never design your character like a garden where anyone can walk. Design your character like the sky where everyone desire to reach.- Hitler
From a man I was taught to hate because he killed millions of Jews, blacks, gypsys etc- comes a truly amazing quote. The last bunch of years, I have been learning that character is more important than gifting. Hitler had it right when he said design it like the sky- we want character that is pure, not prideful. That's where I part from his views on this subject. I probably do not agree with anything else the man said or did, but found this to be ironic and interesting.