I'm thinking of hanging up my cape

Hi! I'm Cindy and I have a superwoman complex. (Rest of group: "Hi Cindy!")  It causes me to feel incompetent even when I get things done. It causes me to feel I MUST help people whether they need it or not (on occasion.) It causes me to go out of my way- wrecking my day so I can do something that fits into someone else's schedule. It exhausts me, frustrates me, and prohibits me from getting my stuff done (contributes to it at least.)

I'm not blaming anyone- I am taking responsibility for my thoughts feelings and actions. Please join me on a non-judge mental tour of things that might have caused this in me.

You remember when you are little and you walk into the kitchen and just hang out and start talking with a family member? And sometimes- if they are prepping dinner they will say,"Cindy, make yourself useful and peel some carrots." Remember when that type of thing happened to you growing up? No, they weren't shutting me down but asking for help while I spent time with them. And I was always happy to help them.

Or when you go to an event early and someone asks "would you be able to help set that table, please?" I wasn't always so willing to help with but it was a social obligation that I grew up with.

Well- I internalized it somehow. I need to feel useful. I do! Like all the time. I'm happiest when I am helping people. (Except painting but that is to be explored another day.) So, when someone asks me for help- I automatically say,"Sure!" I don't even think of my plans or how it will affect my family or my set up for that day or week. I see a need and I fill it. I take care of it. I rescue that person from their need. End of story. 

I need to remember that being useful is not always good. It is sometimes good for the person you are helping, but it isn't good for you all the time. And I don't need to be needed. Sometimes it is feeding someone's codependency on getting outside help. It is so bad at times that people start to expect it of you. 'Oh, you need help that day? I'm sure Cindy can cook a meal or something.'

At work there were a few weeks where I was on the schedule for a measly 4 hours but I worked at least 12 because when people call in- they call me to fill in. (Truthfully- they call in anyone who is not working that day- but I respond quickly.) The bad of that is that they were expecting me to fill in whenever they had an opening, despite me needing to get my own stuff done. And they were putting me in for fewer hours because of it.

So why do I feel I need to rescue people?  I think it is tied to my needing to be accepted. I feel that if I don't help out- they won't accept or care for of love me anymore. Now- let me make this EXTREMELY CLEAR- my family has loved me unconditionally through good decisions and bad. They have always been supportive even if they do not agree with my choices. I hear their opinions and then they find a way to help me in any way they can once my decision has been made. We may not be perfect- but my family has this part right.

I believe it goes all the way back to kindergarten but I will get into that another time. Suffice it to say that my teacher didn't help the need to do thing to be in people's good graces.

So it encouraged me thinking if I help- people will like me.  I'm sure there were many other occurances in elementary school on up to the cliques in High School that encouraged this concept.

Fast forward to the present and you have a Mom of two special needs teenagers- who works part time- and has her own health issues to handle- and feels like she constantly has to play Superwoman. 

Well, here it is folks. I am going to try to hang up my cape. That doesn't mean I won't talk to anyone about stuff that I am knowledgeable in, or I won't do for others, but I am not being taken advantage of any more. 

Next time I do something for someone, I will do it totally with love in my heart- not as an obligation or as a 'save' or 'rescue' attempt.

Thank you all for reading this extremely long post. It means a whole lot to me that you took the time to finish it. 

With much love and a more peaceful heart,

Cindy

ok

so I had this amazing thought in my head and it just flew...as I started to type it dissappeared.  So I will write something else.
When you have a child with special needs- people do not understand.  My son walks around school all day... with his sweatshirt hood up over his hair...because it is a place to hide.  Is this what I want him to do? Absolutely not- but is it what he does? Yes.  He is 14 and needs to make the right decisions based on the models her has in his life.  Does he sometimes overheat while doing this? Ewwww-yes!  But I love him- he is my son.  He has taught me that sometimes hiding is the only way we can be ourselves, until we become who we are meant to be more fully.  I know once he grows into his abilities and strengths and weaknesses he will stop hiding.  And yes, I meant grow into his weaknesses as well.  When we can embrace that there are things that we are not very good at- not in denial of things we can do mind you- like I have a really hard time with History and memorizing dates- but give me a string of equations and I am at home :o)  It is freeing to be able to tell my children- "Go ask Daddy.  I am really bad at Ancient Egypt."  I think I am modelling the right thing when I say it as well.  I know a lot but I am never going to know it all.
My other son, walks around smiling all day at school- skipping through the halls on occassion because he is just a truly happy child!  (I have eye witnesses of the skipping) He loves interacting with people, and loves school.  He is also extremely sensitive to criticism- he will hold it in until he gets home and then collapse in a tearful heap in my lap on a tough day.  From him, the most important things I am learning is there is always time for a hug and that I need to forgive myself much more quickly than I did in the past- he learned it from somewhere!
I guess what I wnted to say here is please look closely before you judge.  You just don't know what is going on in their lives.  Better yet, don't judge them at all.  My oldest would rather not speak to you because his anxiety is so high that it can be too scary- he is NOT ignoring you.
well that seems to be all for tonight. :o)

special needs

Hi everyone! I may be changing the Blog style soon but you will soon understand why...or I'll make a new blog I'm unsure as of yet.

In November of this year my oldest child was diagnosed with Aspberger's Syndrome accompanied by ADHD. A few days late a different Doctor declared PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) with a touch of ADD. Either way my oldest dear one is definitely on the low end of the Autistic spectrum.
This is what I have thought/feared for many months and years. He is 13 and this is considered a very late diagnosis. But both doctors assured me that we were doing the right type of things- he just needs more social circumstances and better relaxation techniques. For those of you who are left in the dark- the issues that most plague my son are: significant social and emotional delays (this is the Autism part), and extreme disorganization(ADD or ADHD) which cause major amounts of anxiety.
So what is a Mom of a child like this to do??? Aside from pray a lot, be patient. Be patient, and try not to be frustrated. And BE PATIENT and try not to be FRUSTRATED!!!!!
Let's just say I am definitely growing in my understanding of patience, frustration and how much I personally can handle these days! Please understand- he is also incredibly creative and funny- I wouldn't want to take either of these things away and they are linked with the issues so no meds for us right now.
So when you hear of someone whose child has issues- please keep this in mind- many Mom's of children with special needs minimize the hardships of their life. This is partly because this is the only way the child has ever been- partly because they don't want to constantly complain.
God Bless you this Holiday Season!
Cindy

Dealing with a Mom as a Mom

I have always thought I had a good relationship with my Mom. But recently, I have seen a very manipulative side of her. Where it concerns my children- her grandchildren- she seems to want to be in control of the situation. She has tried to take over my role of caring for my sons where Doctors and services is concerned. I believe it is because she is fearful that they will not get what they need. Unfortunately, this reflects on me that I am not sufficient to provide the perfect care for my children. She has also offered financial advice. The result has been me feeling like she treated me like a 12 year old.
Well, I had a very difficult conversation with her recently where I was very respectful but was also able to let her know how I felt. I'm not saying it was a conversation without tears or yelling on my part- it was difficult. I think I kept saying over and over again, "Mom, I'm not 12, I'm 42. I have gotten really good at asking for help. I promise to ask if I need your help." There was also an issue of her feeling out of the loop with regards to these issues. I again assured her that I do let her know anything anyone official had already told me. I also let her know that I was not going to report to her every time a friend gave me an idea which might help.
I felt great and awful when I got off of the phone with her. Great because I was able to get rid of the feeling that I had to report anything that was happening with the boys to her. Awful because it really went against the people-pleaser in me. But I will get on with my life, and she will get on with hers. I am an amazing Mom to 2 kids who happen to have different needs. I almost wrote "Special Education kids", but they are really kids who have different issues than a lot of others although most of their needs are the same. I take great care of them and my husband and at 42, I can handle most of what is thrown at me with Jesus' help.