Art supplies make me happy!

I am about to go spend not much cash for loads of art supplies! Kind of excited here. Because I am getting my employee discount and there is a super amazing sale in canvasses and pads and paints :-D

Worship

So I was thinking lately about worship. I love to worship. I try to worship all day. I was thinking specifically about the tools of worship. I draw, play my drum, dance, pray for people..... All of these are fun and all make Abba happy. But is this how He intended us to worship? I mean- people say of they were meant to fly God would have given them wings.... So..,, if we were meant to worship, hasn't Abba already given us the best instruments of worship already? Last week at a meeting- we had no guitars, no instruments. So we prayed and broke out in spontaneous worship with only our voices. There was no dancing, no guitar or keyboards, just voices and a bit of clapping/ drumming. And it was a very deep worship. It was deeper for me than what I experience on Sunday mornings when I draw, it was just deeper. I got no pictures, I asked for no visions, I just loved Abba and Jesus. Isn't this what bare bones worship is? Sometimes I think going back to only what is actually part of you to worship can reset your body to worship more freely. 

Some days they make me proud!

A big proud Mommy moment happened today. My oldest son has Asperger's Syndrome. It is on the autistic spectrum. He is quite high functioning, but he surely has his challenges. Well Mr. M decided not to do his oral presentation at school on Wednesday- and might fail his assignment as a result. So I gave him the assignment of  leading the corporate prayer at church service on Sunday. When I do the scripture reading, I also lead the corporate prayer. So Mr. M got up and stood with me while I did the scripture reading and he led the corporate prayer. He did a great job! He went right up with me and when I gave him the mic he said,"Please join me in the corporate prayer." and started. He was quiet but he did it! I'm quite proud if him! This was huge for a kid on the spectrum! I mean really- I couldn't believe he did it. He gets so nervous about any public activity- so he psyched himself up and did a wonderful job. He did ask me later not to have him do that again. I told him No- you need this.

I hope you all are having amazing days as well!

Gods mercy and love

Your love is extravagant. 

I heard that song as I woke up this morning. And while I was singing it I missed my Grandma. She held my oldest child as a baby and she made sounds we don't make in my generation. And then I realised that she and her generation instilled stuff in their children that has been lost to us in my generation. It made me sad for the children of today and how they have been taught. Then I thought of my church and realized that each member if my church had what the world didn't have. We had gotten those values from God- they are not existent in the world. And I am thankful.

Reflections on 9/11 twelve years later

I live in the NYC area, I have for most of my life. While many passed away that day, and I have grieved for their families, the casualties of this act were the people on the street who suddenly saw ash and half burnt papers-office memo's falling from the sky, and the thousands upon thousands of rescue workers who toiled without break to help anyone trapped in the debris. Everyone mourns the ones who died. I pray for the living. The people who survived and are wondering 'Why me???? He should have lived instead of me!' I pray for the ones who walked by the rubble every day, for those who were trapped in the dark subway beneath the towers for hours nit knowing what was happening outside, who smelled the ash for weeks afterwards, who looked up and remember that their whole world has changed- for the worse- and wept. I wept! I live an hours train ride from NYC! I wept for my two sons not being able to go to an airport without seeing US Marines posted everywhere. I wept because my country- the land of the free and the home of the brave- had its freedom violated by a mastermind who was definitely, in my mind, not brave. I wept for the changed skyline, for the fear that now entered my heart because it MAY not be safe to go anywhere. I wept. And on days like today, I weep again. I did not lose anyone. But for a while there, our whole country lost an important thing- hope. It came back with every person they pulled out of the rubble alive, with every rescue worker whose face was on a Newspaper, with the great outpouring of people who wee sending clothing to the rescue workers so they could continue their work. It has returned, we as a country are stronger and braver and more dedicated than our foes ever knew. God Bless America!

The crazy driver

So I was on my way home from back-to-school shopping at Staples. I was emotionally unsettled because once again I was upset that these teachers would ask for more books/binder than could feasibly fit into a students back pack! Ugh! So I have to go get gas on the way home because I was left with NOTHING in the tank. So on the way o the grocery store, I slow down, missed the gas stat on entrance on this side but am at a red light. I know I have right on red, but want to make sure I don't get in an accident as I am emotionally not where I should be to drive. The guy in the car behind me starts honking like mad, so I was safe and turned, and didn't speed up because I was signaling to go into the very busy gas station! He beeped more! After a few choice cuss words left mouth, I was so upset I couldn't get gas and went to the grocery store 1/2 block away. After shopping and regaining my equilibrium, I went back and gassed up. But that guy never learned from one of my earliest posts about slowing down. It was after 5pm on a Friday- and you just want to get home. But don't be rude people!!! Thank you for listening to this public service announcement!

My dis-ease.....

Hi everyone! Tonight I was worried. I had seen last week's 'Under the Dome' tv show and I watched a diabetic woman die of heart failure as a complication of her diabetes. It has been bothering me for a while. In the Spring, a close friend's daughter needed eye surgery because of diabetic complications. And she had been to the Dr a couple of months before. It is scary. Plain and simple. And I have to be strong and just keep muscling on and moving forward.
For my wonderfully caring and compassionate husband who has been my rock for 26 years
I am moving forward
For my incredible children who amaze me at every turn
I am moving forward
For my friends, family members, and acquaintances
I am moving forward
For my God- who uses me to touch people's lives
I am moving forward
And for myself
I am trying to move forward
A friend recently said that we need to keep moving.  We need to keep growing, we need to press onward toward the mountaintop (I paraphrase and embellish- so sue me!)
The problem is, this disease can kill me in the blink of an eye.
I have Diabetes. I was hospitalized in January a few days after my diagnosis when there had been absolutely no sign within the 2 years prior or ever before that.  According to my physicians- all 14 of them- holy cow!- it was a very fast developing condition- highly irregular.  Most people think Diabetes is just a dietary issue and if you lose weight it will go away! They are mis informed.
Type 2 Diabetes, which is resistance to the insulin your body makes, can go into remission if you eat right and exercise, but the disease never leaves.
Type 1 Diabetes, where your body does not creat enough insulin, never goes away. You have to inject insulin into your system with every meal. And at night before bed, another injection. You have to diet, exercise, take a handful of precautionary medicines, and still your disease can strike at any time.
The big D can effect very single major system in your body. Every single one. Lungs, heart, kidney, skin, nervous system, eyes, feet- many diabetics have had toes and even legs amputated due to loss of nerve endings working in the feet- a neuropathy of sorts- and getting a cut or scrape that gets infected and is not noticed within an appropriate time frame.
Diabetics are traditionally slow healers. That means my Wolverine-like healing should be fading but it hasn't yet!
Diabetes is my dis-ease: it literally puts me out of a place of ease and into a place of dis-ease. It is a scary place to be. It is a frightening place to be. It is an impossible place to be sometimes.
People say,"That stinks but at least it isn't cancer!" It can be worse than cancer because it strikes every part of the body where cancer tends to be localized until it hits certain lymph nodes or the blood stream. People say,"Well, you can cure it with exercise and diet!" People are uneducated and misled.
I can honestly say that without the support of my family, my friends, and my God, I would be curled up in a little ball of fear, trembling in the corner crying.
Instead, I am moving forward.
I have begun painting, interpreting Dreams and life readings, walking in busy street fairs and telling people encouraging things that I shouldn't know. Despite my illness, God is using me powerfully. He is my courage- on my own I am a wimp! There, I said it. Let me say it again,"I am a wimp without God!" People I know tell me I am so strong and brave. And maybe I look that way, but I don't feel it.
I went to a Diabetic Expo in March and met some incredibly amazing people who are fighting this disease with all that they have. They are not all wining, but we all did have fun!
So there. Now you know my dirty little secret that I have not told anyone since January. I am so frightened. But if I let it beat me down, I will die and I am not done here yet- not by a long shot!
Thank you- everyone who reads this. I thank you for reading this and giving me purpose to keep going. If I can impact just one person, if I can help just one life, then I am here for that reason.
Abundant blessings upon your heads!
Cindy

I am just not a very nice person

Hi everyone! I am in a really bad mood right now. And I figured that since this is my blog page it might be ok to let it out here.
I am just irritates by everything today! It started when I couldn't take a shower before going to the younger child's Dr appointment. And the oldest decided to take FOREVER to get dressed to the point where I told him flat out that if I started the car before he was in it he would owe $2 and if I moved the car before he was out there it would be $2 more. The car was started, he got in it. We were only 8 minutes late for the appointment, and we have 15 minutes before they get irritated. Oldest was crazy at Dr, but not too bad. Youngest seems to have bruised some muscles when riding go-karts this weekend. No biggie.
Get home and they play video games, fine. I do some stuff on FB and minor stuff around the house. It's now 12:30- yell for them to eat lunch. They ignore me and I hear yelling from downstairs- youngest yelling at oldest (always happens that way almost) so I ask them to come up again. No answer. I finally yell at oldest to get up here. He is messing with our cat, Yoda and they keep bumping into me. Grrrr! Then he refuses to eat- he is 16- he is hungry just being irritating. After 45 minutes if irritating Yoda and me, he eats. And the youngest comes up upset because oldest took over the computer page or some such. GRrrrr! Now youngest eats. And goes downstairs. He needs his email account to log into a new game site. It is no longer working according to yahoo! Great- just wonderful- yes I am angry! So I waste around 20 minutes at the computer trying to figure out this system, can't even remember hubby's password for his yahoo email to log him in. I am now YELLING MAD!!!!
Did anyone really do anything? Not really! I  just in an awful mood and wondering why I didn't put oldest into the camp for a few extra weeks- oh yeah $$$. 
And then I remember that I got a letter from the camp saying if we sign up now we get some crazy amount-like $1500-off for next summer.....
And I remember that even on my worst yelling and cursing days, God thinks I am beautiful and He is proud of me anyway. Partially because He knows I will make it through the yelly day and do something great tomorrow.
So I will go shower- -@2:35pm and go to the grocery store and get home and make dinner and be grouchy throughout and have a better day tomorrow.

What a long strange trip it's been....

Hi everyone!
I guess I just realized how long it has been since I have blogged. THAT long, hunh? So I am continuing to adjust to this thing called Diabetes. I take a handful of pills every night, and give myself insulin 4 times a day. I HATE needles and until I became diabetic was awful with blood draws and everything. 8 days in the hospital will certainly cure you of that- it did me!
Anyway, in April I got great news! My 3 month blood sugar was about half of what it originally was!!! I treated myself to some ice cream! And one doctor and I were discussing a possible surgery. And yes, I had a partial hysterectomy. This means they took my uterus. I had massive fibroids.  During my January hospital stay, they discovered a liver issue which prevented me from taking oral contraceptives. The afore mentioned fibroids were being kept at bay by those oral contraceptives. I had 2 choices: have the fibroids removed internally and externally involving a lower abdominal incision, or have the uterus removed- no uterus no fibroids can grow and same incision. Well, the operation was a success- and I have fully healed from it! Yay! The boys and hubby were amazing! Cooked and cleaned, I continue to be impressed! They all totally stepped up when I needed them to.
So, summer camps for my boys are over and we have 4 weeks left before school. Today I had each of them clean out all of the papers and stuff under their beds. One was sliding around like a seal spinning under there while the other was holding his breath because of his dust allergy and the condition of that rug.
And I am in charge of a church garage sale in September. So a bit of stress but I am dealing with it ok.
The very cool part, I had a bunch of healing occur! I was born with one giant kidney instead of 2 kidneys. And before the operation the tests showed 2 normal kidneys!!!! Praise God!!! And my hair, which had started falling out, is growing back!!! And Lipitor lowered my cholesterol so well that I don't have to worry about it! Yay!
So, there is my long strange trip for 2013 so far- hope you enjoyed the ride!!!
Cindy

Who I Am

Hi everyone! Sorry it has been a long time since I posted here. You see, I have been ill, depressed and for a brief stay in the hospital.  I do not want our pity or condolences. I have a new lease on life! I am healthier than I have been in years, losing weight, and generally happier as well.  But that is not what this post was going to be about.
I titled it Who I Am because in Cyberland, no one truly gets to know one another. You only see what I put out. Usually the best moments but not always. So here goes who I am:
I am unique! If nothing else this can always be said about me. Life is perceived  differently by me  than by anyone else in existence. And I will occasionally find people who see part of life similarly and I celebrate being in a group then. For the most part- a group of one is OK because my views and experiences are fundamentally different.
I am a left handed person. Believe it or not, it affects my whole life. From how I set up my kitchen to how doors open to what organized means- left handed people are very creative and not quite like those righty's in our lives. It would be dull without them!
I am an artist! I finally am embracing this fact after many years of not acknowledging it as a gift or calling. I love to create: with words, pencils, paint, clay, plaster, yarn(I crochet a bit.)
I am extremely creative. But I live with a right handed whom I love so my house does not totally reflect it!
I am organizationally lacking skills. Yup- some hoarders just can't find their stuff so they go out and buy another! And another, and another, and then they need help decluttering! That is me to a tee! My house does not resemble hoarders but areas are not walk able. I am getting better by ours hashing less as a rule.
I am a procrastinator.... So last minute is my deal.
I am an animal lover like you have no idea! My kitten is my youngest baby!
I am a wife. Enough said.
I am a domestic engineer. That is a housewife who gets things done- but my way thank you but in my way and on my timeline.
I am a Mom! I have 2 amazing boys! They are my heart and all of my energy goes into creating a place for them to thrive! (aside from my me time- but I can't help them if I am spent either)
I am a daughter and sister and love my family- those who are genetic and those whom have gotten into my heart!
I am diabetic. I am told there is no cure- I will have to watch my food and exercise the rest of my life- but shouldn't we all? 
I am getting thinner! No longer the fat lady in my mind! This is amazing! Maybe I will soon look like I picture myself in my mind's eye!
I am a Jewish-born Christian- again unique perspective is not always easy here. Things don't always make sense, but they usually do.
I am me! And I know that I was created for something very special and I am alive to do it!

Going through a tough Mommy day!

Hi everyone! Well, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a day! It started out great! Got to church really early with the bagels. Hubby happy, kids happy, Mommy happy! Then kids ask to play the iTouch. I say "yes!" happy kid! But then I realized I left it at home. Apologize but still an Unhappy Kid. Later that morning, they were both at the bathroom down a long hall- Unhappy Kid bangs his brother's head into the wall- repeatedly. Unhappy Kid, Hurt and Almost Crying Kid, Upset Daddy, crushed emotionally Mommy. You see, I was so upset with Unhappy Kid for hurting Hurt and almost crying kid! I was feeling no compassion towards Unhappy Kid, I was crying for Hurt and almost crying kid- the wrongful victim of his brothers wrath! Then, as I worshipped more, I was able to be calmer and forgive Unhappy Kid. I was sure that he never thought he could really hurt Hurt and almost crying kid. So, I quietly as I could during the sermon, went out to the car where Unhappy Kid had been removed by Upset Dad. Car parked in the shade with windows open was a safe and cool spot for Unhappy Kid. We spoke of what could have happened. Why what happened was wrong and why it happened in the first place. Unhappy Kid is having trouble with impulse control- big trouble! So Unhappy Daddy- in his wisdom told Unhappy Kid that he got to spend the entire day in his room except for mowing and dinner.  We went shopping at Staples. First week back to school this was a nightmare but we got through it with Mommy being the savior for both boys procuring those hard to get items which were needed for Monday! Happy Mommy, still Unhappy Kid, Hurt Kid and Upset Daddy.  At home after a few hours upstairs in his room, Unhappy Kid( yes I fed him lunch) decides to do the discipline which will get him out of his room but still not get him screen time. He writes 50 times: Dear Lord, please help me to control myself! 50 times! Writing is torture for Unhappy Kid, but he wanted to be a part of the family again,so he did it. And he came down in time for dinner. He learned to shuffle cards today- a major victory for him- there is a physical challenge there- and asked his brother to play a game. During the game he did drop something on Hurt Kid's head and got kicked in the foot as a result! Unhappy Kid got 10 more sentences and Hurt got to put the game away by himself and nothing else because he was clearly the victim here. At bedtime, Hurt went looking to say "Goodnight" to Unhappy- all was forgiven! :) 
     but my Mommy heart was bleeding the whole day! Why? How could he? Poor Hurt! My boys are boys, they do get physical. Please God teach Unhappy how not to hurt his brother anymore!
Sorry for another not too happy post- but life does that. Tomorrow will be better. 
Night for now,
Cindy

School starts today!

Ok! So the first day of school is upon us!!! They both got on the bus fine, but I forgot to put the pencils in the little guys backpack! And can't drive them up to the school... I hope he gets over it quickly.
And I feel like school is starting for me too. I am learning about myself and how big and wonderful God is as I have a few minutes in the kitchen once the boys are gone and the cat stops bugging me for attention.
I am learning that I am NOT the worst person in the world, nor am I the worst homemaker/house cleaner. I am not the worst Mommy because we BOTH forgot the pencils. Do I need to get things done?- absolutely! But I am learning not to beat myself up if I only get the floors and the dishes done today. I am not superwoman, nor am I intended to be her. I am a component woman who is slowly regaining her confidence.
So these are my musings as I sit at the table, already dressed but needing a shower, and having only 4 1/2 hours until pandemonium breaks loose when they get home! I do miss them!

Sickness in the family

Hi all!

So, hubby and were hanging,  watching DVR'd episodes that we had missed, when I started talking to him about the sick member from his side of the family. This man has an extremely special place in my heart, and he has Alzheimer's disease. My maternal grandmother passed away from this disease when I was in the 8th grade. The last time I had seen her, she called me by my Aumt's name(in her defense, I did look al lot like that aunt at the time) and tried to say something but it came out as "The cow is blue!". The disease had reached her language center and the wrong words were assigned to different meanings.  I never went back to see her after that because it freaked me out so much!

And now I am forced to watch this happen to someone else. His wife is having an extremely difficult time because he is very argumentative and she will not let him think things that are not real are reality. And he can never admit that he is wrong. It is very hard to be positive in this situation. I watch him very slowly lose skills? Hmm no- regress is the better word. He no longer drives because he does not always remember where he is going- we were afraid he would get lost! This last visit- we just saw him last week the time before was July 4th- I saw 3 new changes. One made me nervous,one made my hubby nervous, the third was like he is regressing into childhood. 

   I am very very sensitive to the symptoms of this disease. I saw the signs a full year before anyone else did- or could accept it. It was very difficult to tell some family members my thoughts only to have some spit back at me that they hope I am wrong! God help me, I prayed that I was wrong! I have had to face the facts that my maternal Grandmother, and her mother before her both were afflicted by this disease. I never wanted to have to see this disease again. But I am being strong because I have no other choice. My boys deserve to know he has memory issues but still loves them.  And they deserve to see me treat him and his wife with kindness, caring and a positive attitude, even if it is not what I am feeling inside. I am remaining supportive during this extremely difficult time for the whole family.  And I am praying that God would strengthen me and everyone else involved for the years to come.

Sorry for the seriousness of this post- I just needed to get it off of my chest. 

Thank you again for reading,

Cindy

Gamer Girl

Hi folks! It seems it is time to share some about who I am more than what I shared in my profile. I have a confession: I am a Gamer. Now I have a bit of an issue with the term Geek added to the back of that. I am not comfortable with the name Gaming Geek- even though I probably fit into most people's definition of such. Growing up, geek had such major negative connotations for me that I refuse to use it to define me. I prefer to think of myself as a Gamer Girl. And even though I am 44 ( when did that happen?)  I am a teenager at heart. This is probably why I can get so emotional about what my boys are going through- it seems like yesterday- literally!
So, what does a Gamer Girl do? Aside from the mundane chores of raising 2 kids and taking care of ann amazing husband, and draw, music, and socialize (can't forget that!) I play games! I occasionally play board games- even met my hubby in my own basement playing a game years ago! But I prefer number games- Sudoku, Kakuro, and games like bubble pop and bejeweled blitz! I also love hidden object pictures! I got an iTouch for Christmas and since I hurt my leg, I have been playing on it all the time!!!!!  In college during the Gulf war, Iwas given a writing assignment on a segment of  Machiavelli's The Prince, and I wrote an analogy to Dungeons and Dragons. Not what the professor expected but I got a decent grade because I addressed the issue she wanted. So, now you know what a Gamer Girl does. I hope it does not make you want to stop reading my blog because gaming is just one of many facets of this girl. :)

A New Season!

Hi everyone! I just realized it is more than 6 months since I have been on here! I always seem to neglect a part of my life and it seems this blog was it for the last while. Well, our church moved again and this time we blended with another church. But there is something special going on here... The church we blended with are people who used to go to our church many years ago! So, it was like a homecoming to me! I have a tear in my Achilles tendon, that I walked around Disney World for 5 days with! So I can not drive for 6-8 weeks. The stir craziness is already here! And now, the wonderful friends who brought us through this transition are leaving to help other people- they are going to Canada! This is major change, but it is not the biggest change yet. I, Cindy Campbell, am going to be in an Art Fair/Show! I am excited and scared and thrilled and nervous. I expect to sell nothing, but will come equipped with change in case I sell pictures. My drawings as well as photographs are going to be on display for the first time ever. So, here I am with my leg in a brace, using a came and drawing a bit. The boys are fantastic- helping with the laundry and mopping the floors- yup new skill learned! I feel awful that I keep getting hurt during the summer, but at least they had fun in July! So, a new season of my life- thinking of getting more active in my church, thinking of drawing as my new real job (wouldn't that be great?) and growing tomatoes!!!!! Please forgive any typos, blogger moved my spellcheck!!!! God Bless you in this new season!

reflections on seeing a little child play...

Look at her, so sweet and innocent
so adorable in her unconscious ways.
I had children like that,
so beautiful, handsome, sweet
and they still are...but
the teenage years are taking their innocence from them
their childish cuteness being slowly replaced by adult handsomeness,
their sweetness often replaced by teen aged angst,
but they are still there, my sweet children
underneath the obnoxious ways and teenage attitudes,
and when they emerge from the age of the teen, they will still be in there,
my sweet thoughtful boys who were so innocent then.
They will have more wisdom,
their innocence not as pure,
but their golden hearts of love will shine through.
I am waiting to welcome them back from this journey, my sweet babies, as grown men.

A New Year- a prayer for Michael

ok.. I just felt like writing, not about New Year's Resolutions- they never work for me.  Maybe about the kids...

Well, when Michael was going to be going to High School, I thought," Uh,oh! Better warn the High School- I hope they can handle this kid!"
I was assured that he was not the first nor the last with his issues to come through these doors...no problems, Mrs. Campbell, we will help him to excell.
Now almost 1/2 way through the school year, they are finally getting a grasp of who Michael truly is and why I was so nervous in the Spring.  It took 4 months for them to even scratch the surface of who my son is! :o(
It drives me nuts when people in the school do not fully listen to the parent in their assessment of a child.  And yes, he is still a child.  He has the body of a man- he is 5ft 5 1/2 inches and still growing- but he is a child.  He is only 14- ok almost 15.  I can't wait until he is fully a man and can accept responsibility for his actions or lack thereof... but he is not there yet.  Real life is not always easy and I'm afraid for him.  In 4 years he will either be in college, trade school, or working.  I pray he will learn social skills and responsibility in the next 3 years- enough to make it in this world.  To have friends and still get his work done.  To make those decisions which will help him to grow up- because we all know that we grew up more in those years between High School and age like 25 or so! (At least I did!)   
So- I guess this is my prayer for Michael- with his autistic issues and his amazing smile and heart!  His joy for anything funny and his interests in forensics, animals escpecially Yoda, and science!  He loves to laugh.. if people would only break through his anxiety they would see that.  And he has a heart of gold.  That God would bless him and help him... all of his days.
Amen

Changes revisited

I think I accidentally made it sound as if I have it all figured out... in the post changes but let's be real- I don't.  I never will.  I am just a small fish trying to find the Jesus current so I can float safely in his love.  I no longer want to ride the currents of unbelief that lead to the shores where I get pounded on the coral reefs of judgement, hate and anxiety.  I want the true love current which takes me into the sea with the whales and the dolphins and the orcas and even the sharks- but my current will move me so the sharks and orcas and whales can not get at me.  For Jesus has plans for me- great plans.  I have to listen and do what He says and that means to tend to my home and then have time to do the things that are right in my heart.  And some of these things are silly to others and are not worth my time, but they are totally worth my time and effort.  If the my higher power is letting me know it should be done- well then... I think it's time.  So.. I am not done changing or moving in new directions.  Some of the new directions will be seen shortly and others will take some time to develop...but there are many, many new directions open to me.  There is a new found freedom and deepness in this current.  It is a safe place and the options are all so appealing and filled with light and life!  It is like being a kid in a candy store with a handful of coins- when there were 1/2 cent candies.  I want to try everything and taste and do and decide for me which to throw out and which to buy more of.  And I want to have the freedom to make mistakes and to try and miss a few times.  And I know all of these things are good but I want to try them all until I find the items that God has for me that are my personal best.  Good is not good enough- Best is the only option now!  And if that means finally trying to really write that book that came from a dream, or practicing the drum or making prayer shawls- well then I need to get writing and playing and crocheting shouldn't I?  I feel I have been a Jill-of-all-trades for my whole life- never putting my all into the right things.  I am still searching for my current.. and I WILL FIND IT!
It is an exciting time and a scary time as well.  I am having difficulty with the indecision that accompanies these times.  My house MUST be tended to first and that is a very large chore right now.  But with God's help- I can do it.  Then the sky is the limit.
OK so if you are inclined to pray- your prayers for discernment are totally welcomed and appreciated.  Thanks for looking into my soul and not laughing at me.
Cindy

ok

so I had this amazing thought in my head and it just flew...as I started to type it dissappeared.  So I will write something else.
When you have a child with special needs- people do not understand.  My son walks around school all day... with his sweatshirt hood up over his hair...because it is a place to hide.  Is this what I want him to do? Absolutely not- but is it what he does? Yes.  He is 14 and needs to make the right decisions based on the models her has in his life.  Does he sometimes overheat while doing this? Ewwww-yes!  But I love him- he is my son.  He has taught me that sometimes hiding is the only way we can be ourselves, until we become who we are meant to be more fully.  I know once he grows into his abilities and strengths and weaknesses he will stop hiding.  And yes, I meant grow into his weaknesses as well.  When we can embrace that there are things that we are not very good at- not in denial of things we can do mind you- like I have a really hard time with History and memorizing dates- but give me a string of equations and I am at home :o)  It is freeing to be able to tell my children- "Go ask Daddy.  I am really bad at Ancient Egypt."  I think I am modelling the right thing when I say it as well.  I know a lot but I am never going to know it all.
My other son, walks around smiling all day at school- skipping through the halls on occassion because he is just a truly happy child!  (I have eye witnesses of the skipping) He loves interacting with people, and loves school.  He is also extremely sensitive to criticism- he will hold it in until he gets home and then collapse in a tearful heap in my lap on a tough day.  From him, the most important things I am learning is there is always time for a hug and that I need to forgive myself much more quickly than I did in the past- he learned it from somewhere!
I guess what I wnted to say here is please look closely before you judge.  You just don't know what is going on in their lives.  Better yet, don't judge them at all.  My oldest would rather not speak to you because his anxiety is so high that it can be too scary- he is NOT ignoring you.
well that seems to be all for tonight. :o)

Changes

MY life has changed drastically the last 5 months.  I went from being mostly healthy, but extremely overweight to being a recovering hernia patient who MUST lose weight in order to prevent a new hernia from occurring.
Mind you my operation and recovery were nothing short of miraculous!  The Dr even telling me "You just had major surgery.  You are making this look easy.  That makes me look good.  I like you!" Yes, he made me laugh but I recovered well, thank you, God!
I have begun walking 1 mile as many days as  can- then I got bronchitis- I get this often.  I then took a week to do nothing.  Yes, nothing.  I needed to prioritize my life and all of my activities were distracting me from the main focus of my life- even though many were God centered activities.  I had lots of time to pray and to listen and to slow down (I am still learning from that lesson).  Well, God, family, then me- that is my new order for my life.  And I discovered in the past week that when I put God first, family second, I have more time for me in the long run and I am less stressed!
So- Go ME!!!  I am reclaiming my house from 5 months of sickness and depression and inability to tackle things.  I AM a Competent Woman!
And, I have 2 great kids.  They deserve me to have my stuff together so I have time for them when they get home.  Same goes for my husband who is amazing!